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Pain
Aug 31, 2008 15:07:55 GMT -7
Post by canadaboy on Aug 31, 2008 15:07:55 GMT -7
From writers forum. Enjoy!
The thought of it all Makes me wanna end it But thers no way To do it
The thought of it all is worse than the pain all the enemys made i wish they were slain
Now i know why i am the problem to the solution i cant see the way its supposed to go yet everyone else, seems to know
The thought of it all is worse than the pain all the enemys made i wish they were slain
i have become what i didnt want now what shall i do when the people dont want me at all
The thought of it all is worse than the pain all the enemys made i wish they were slain
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Pain
Aug 31, 2008 16:12:57 GMT -7
Post by Colour or Lour™ on Aug 31, 2008 16:12:57 GMT -7
The word choice is good and the repeating lines are good. The only thing is I think it needs proper punctuation and capitalization, plus a little more rhyme.
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Pain
Aug 31, 2008 16:22:24 GMT -7
Post by canadaboy on Aug 31, 2008 16:22:24 GMT -7
ok more rhyminhg sounds good (it was meant as a song) i know about punctuation and that i was told same thing on writers forum
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Pain
Aug 31, 2008 16:27:59 GMT -7
Post by Colour or Lour™ on Aug 31, 2008 16:27:59 GMT -7
Haha. Yeah, punctuation makes the world go 'round.
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Pain
Aug 31, 2008 16:29:35 GMT -7
Post by canadaboy on Aug 31, 2008 16:29:35 GMT -7
lol the world wood die without proper grammar
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Pain
Aug 31, 2008 16:31:11 GMT -7
Post by Colour or Lour™ on Aug 31, 2008 16:31:11 GMT -7
Yesh it would.
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Pain
Aug 31, 2008 16:32:47 GMT -7
Post by canadaboy on Aug 31, 2008 16:32:47 GMT -7
i noe i neeed tooo
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Pain
Aug 31, 2008 18:34:46 GMT -7
Post by Ink® on Aug 31, 2008 18:34:46 GMT -7
It has a bit of a Blue October feel to it, which is definitely a compliment coming from me, the huge Blue October fan. ^^ I would say that you should type it out on Word or a spell and grammar check of some form so that it would look a bit more professional. Also, don’t forget to capitalize the ‘I’s. It has a strong feeling behind it I would say, but you could probably phase it a bit more eloquently so that it would flow nicely and have a more poetic, lyrical feel. I think working on the rhymes would be a definite plus since it’s a song, but if it’s just a poem then I totally dig free verse. Again, as a song you might want to get longer lines and a set chorus, just my recommendation/opinion though, you don’t have to agree. ^^
Sorry, I’m in a critiquing mood. ^^
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Pain
Sept 1, 2008 7:11:11 GMT -7
Post by Colour or Lour™ on Sept 1, 2008 7:11:11 GMT -7
I hadn't noticed, but yeah it does have a Blue October feel.
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Pain
Sept 1, 2008 11:47:59 GMT -7
Post by Ink® on Sept 1, 2008 11:47:59 GMT -7
It's quite nice in that way actually, after all Justin wrote Black Orchid when he was 14 and that has got to be one of the most beautiful and sad songs ever written.
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Pain
Sept 1, 2008 13:54:38 GMT -7
Post by canadaboy on Sept 1, 2008 13:54:38 GMT -7
hmmm i know Blue October but i can't remeber them... tell me a couple of their songs
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Pain
Sept 1, 2008 14:51:19 GMT -7
Post by Ink® on Sept 1, 2008 14:51:19 GMT -7
Hate Me and Into the Ocean are the two most popular songs.
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Pain
Sept 1, 2008 15:37:36 GMT -7
Post by Colour or Lour™ on Sept 1, 2008 15:37:36 GMT -7
Hate me is going to be on the soundtrack of guess what... TWILIGHT Coming to theatres near you December 12, 2008. Be there or die. And while you're there get me some M&Ms I love those.
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Pain
Sept 1, 2008 17:04:46 GMT -7
Post by canadaboy on Sept 1, 2008 17:04:46 GMT -7
ok i know them now
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Pain
Sept 1, 2008 19:15:56 GMT -7
Post by Ink® on Sept 1, 2008 19:15:56 GMT -7
Their best song is called The Answer though.
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