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October
Aug 30, 2008 17:43:17 GMT -7
Post by Colour or Lour™ on Aug 30, 2008 17:43:17 GMT -7
Wind whistles through the tightly wound vines of ivy along the brick. The sun is nearly set; it is at the place where the sky is not yet darkened but the rim of light is no longer visible above the horizon. Horse carriages clatter along the street and their wheels move roughtly over the cracked cobblestone road. The evening is unusually calm; the only sign of voices comes from the burial grounds across the street and even that is only a hushed murmur of sorrow. Figures loom between trees scattered thorughout the yard but all eyes face the same direction: towards the lady in the dress being lowered into the earth. It is obvious she was once beautiful, before death took the light out of her blue eyes. Even now she did not rest as her eyelids did not close, frozen forever open to watch time pass without her. The man at the edge of the crowd (who also happens to wear the richest overcoat and trousers) smiles at sweet memory while a tear makes its way down his cheek.
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October
Aug 31, 2008 14:50:54 GMT -7
Post by canadaboy on Aug 31, 2008 14:50:54 GMT -7
wow thats intriguing are you making it a story?
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October
Aug 31, 2008 16:14:11 GMT -7
Post by Colour or Lour™ on Aug 31, 2008 16:14:11 GMT -7
Most likely not but it's possible.
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October
Aug 31, 2008 16:33:37 GMT -7
Post by canadaboy on Aug 31, 2008 16:33:37 GMT -7
ahh but i like it
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October
Aug 31, 2008 16:54:15 GMT -7
Post by Colour or Lour™ on Aug 31, 2008 16:54:15 GMT -7
Depends. I wouldn't even know what to do with it from there.
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October
Aug 31, 2008 17:12:48 GMT -7
Post by canadaboy on Aug 31, 2008 17:12:48 GMT -7
i see what you mean maybe it coukld be a prologue and then you cut away to somehting else
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October
Aug 31, 2008 19:13:33 GMT -7
Post by Ink® on Aug 31, 2008 19:13:33 GMT -7
It’s incredibly intriguing. It leaves so many potential things that could be going on. He is mostly likely her lover, but could be a father or son, or something else entirely, like a deranged murder that killed her and enjoyed it. Only now he regrets that he can’t kill her again. Who knows? ^^ The description is good, you’ve improved with that I think. The main problem with it is that the sentences don’t flow very well. They’re very harsh and abrupt. I think you were trying to make it have a bit of a romantic quality (not necessarily between the characters, just the piece in general) but the sentences are tat too choppy to give the piece its full effect.
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October
Sept 1, 2008 7:19:57 GMT -7
Post by Colour or Lour™ on Sept 1, 2008 7:19:57 GMT -7
I wasn't aiming for romantic, in fact I had no theme at all. I didn't even decide why the man is smiling yet crying. I just wrote it to write it, so everyone can make their own assumptions between the man and corpse.
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October
Sept 1, 2008 11:51:49 GMT -7
Post by Ink® on Sept 1, 2008 11:51:49 GMT -7
I like the one where he killed her. ^^
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October
Sept 1, 2008 14:18:01 GMT -7
Post by canadaboy on Sept 1, 2008 14:18:01 GMT -7
hmmm i still think you should continue it
please
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October
Sept 1, 2008 15:56:06 GMT -7
Post by Colour or Lour™ on Sept 1, 2008 15:56:06 GMT -7
Alright... I'll continue. And yeah, the part where he kills her is pretty cool, I'll keep that. Thanks for the idea, Ink...
The man remembers the day she died like it was some grand moment of his own life, though it was just a petty mistake with no real meaning only fault. He had been so angry that day, which he remembered was only two days before which seemed hardly possible. His sister who was now being buried as lumps of mud and other filth were piled atop her body had gotten him disowned by the family. He had come home after deciding to leave college and become a working man without a full education, and she was sworn to secrecy. The man knew that if his father was aware of his true reason for showing up on their doorstep (which was not for a friendly visit as they had been told) would not forgive him. His father was an educated man who was important in the state of Massachusetts and valued knowlege highly. His sister was not honest when she'd sworn she wouldn't tell, and in an instant his house was thrown into chaos around the dinner table. He didn't remember much of the fight; his mind had blocked most of it out so that it was only a muted buzzing to his ears and he was sure that the wine he'd had was contributing to it. The man had run up to his old room, feeling like a young boy at the time who was bratty and spoiled and flung himself upon the floor. He smelled the dust and inhaled, causing him to cough violently while he heard his father coming up the stairs in his heavy boots. Upon entering the room, his father had yelled at him, furious, but he had not remembered this either because he was unconscious from his father's blow. When he woke, it was dark and the man could see a half moon glowing in the sky. It reminded it of himself, he was still living but he was in pain and felt as if half of him was missing. His sister walked in, bringing him a cup of tea and apologizing for the incident. She begged him not to be angry with her, that she was so sorry for being a silly girl and telling daddy on her older brother. The man did not care to listen to her pleading, and flung the hot tea upon her dress as she stood in the doorway. It didn't burn her as it had cooled enough on the way up the stairs, but shocked her so that she stood, eyes wide. The man threw her down upon the floor, and when she tried to get up hit her again. He knew the bruises would be evidence enough to his father and she would not keep her mouth shut about it. He quickly made the decision to be rid of her and her immaturity...
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October
Sept 1, 2008 19:23:42 GMT -7
Post by Ink® on Sept 1, 2008 19:23:42 GMT -7
How very sinister. ^^
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October
Sept 2, 2008 16:13:32 GMT -7
Post by Colour or Lour™ on Sept 2, 2008 16:13:32 GMT -7
I think the sentences flowed better that time, but I used the word He or the man too much for sentence starters.
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October
Sept 2, 2008 18:22:40 GMT -7
Post by Ink® on Sept 2, 2008 18:22:40 GMT -7
Yes, you did, but over all it's not bad.
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October
Sept 3, 2008 14:11:40 GMT -7
Post by canadaboy on Sept 3, 2008 14:11:40 GMT -7
i liek
bad boy dont hurt your sis
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